


before the mystery ends

by catmittens



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Comfort Sex, Feelings, Kissing, M/M, but they make it work, it's pretty mild, they're moving a bit too fast, this is after they save sing's gang from dino
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 05:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17543339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catmittens/pseuds/catmittens
Summary: Ash and Eiji; an interlude.





	before the mystery ends

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I like how this turned out?? These two give me too many Emotions and it inspires me to actually write. Huh.
> 
> Title is from "John My Beloved" by Sufjan Stevens. For extra sadness, just listen to his entire discography while reading.

It’s sundown.

 

This building isn’t bad for a safe house. It’s at least big enough to fit three gangs without raising any suspicion. “It’s been abandoned for years,” Cain had mentioned earlier. “Prob’ly won’t get torn down anytime soon.”

 

New York is odd. It’s only one of the many times Eiji has thought this. It’s huge and sprawling and loud with more run-down buildings than he can count. It still scares him at times, but when he thinks of Izumo, miniscule in comparison, he doesn’t feel the pull to go back. Not yet.

 

Tonight, Eiji finds Ash in one of the small bedrooms this place has. He’s stretched out on the bed, which isn’t much more than an ancient spring mattress and one of the blankets from their supply. His arms are folded behind his head while he stares straight up at the ceiling.

 

“Found you,” Eiji calls casually. Ash turns his head, looking unsurprised to see him standing in the doorway.

 

“You found me,” Ash drawls. “Did you count to ten? How many places did you have to look?”

 

“Very funny. This is the first place I check.”

 

“Hm.” Ash’s arms come out from behind his head as he spreads them wide and drops them back down. Looking at him now, Eiji notices the dark circles under Ash’s eyes and the sallow tone of his face, even as he fidgets and clearly itches for something to do.

 

Exhausted and restless at the same time. How very much like Ash. Eiji internally rolls his eyes as he shuts the door and moves to sit on the floor next to Ash’s bed, back sliding against the wall. Ash rolls over on his side and pushes his hair out of his face. “So what’s up? Nervous about something?” he asks.

 

“No.” It isn’t defensive. “I just…” Eiji stumbles over how to word this. “…wanted to be here with you. The way we usually are.” When he smiles, he can tell it isn’t quite reaching his eyes.

 

Ash keeps looking at him like he’s trying to solve a puzzle. He’s been doing that a bit these days, like he knows there’s something else that Eiji means to say but never does. Eiji could believe it; Ash is the same way.

 

A drawn-out sigh interrupts Eiji’s train of thought. When he looks up from his knees, Ash frowns and pats the space on the bed next to him deliberately. “You look like a sad little kid. Come over here so I can smack some sense into you.”

 

“Please don’t actually smack me” Eiji complains. He’s up from the floor easily and then sitting back down on the bed facing Ash.

 

Ash immediately jabs the other boy’s cheek with his pointer finger ( _Of course_ ), getting a grimace in return as he keeps doing it. “Don’t frown so much,” he tells Eiji, as if _he’s_ trying to be the older one. “Sing’s guys are fine, we’ll find the others, everything’ll work out.”

 

The words are said with an optimism that feels manufactured, but Eiji wants to believe all the same. He smiles and swats the offending finger away from his face. “I know that. I’m not frowning anymore, see?” He points his pinkies at his mouth for emphasis. Ash snorts and flops on his back again, smirking.

 

For the second time Eiji is struck by how much, well, _weaker_ he looks now. The worry returns, so he places his palm on Ash’s forehead.

 

The smirk falters and drops away in favor of mild confusion. “Are you sure you’re feeling better?” Eiji asks him. “I can tell you are tired. You feel warm, also.” He smooths more stray hair out of Ash’s face, and the confusion slowly shifts to a flickering vulnerability.

 

Looking at him like this, something trembles in Eiji’s chest. A sudden bone-deep sadness comes over him and for a second, he wants to cry. He takes his hand away from Ash’s forehead. A huge blank space sits heavily between them, but for once, Eiji’s recklessness fails him, and he can’t make himself fill it.

 

“Eiji.”

 

The swell of relief that fills Eiji when he hears Ash say his name feels like a miracle.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Ash is about to answer, but his voice sticks. He swallows hard, then tries again. “Kiss me.”

 

The words hang there between them, for what feels like a long time. When Eiji does make sense of them, he can’t breathe. His heart throws itself against his ribcage and for the first time he’s terrified that Ash can hear it.

 

“Sorry.” Ash turns his face away, but his fingers tell a different story, inching up Eiji’s arm. They finally stop to grasp the edge of his shirt sleeve. “Forget it.”

 

In the weak lamplight, Ash’s face lays half in shadow. Eiji can barely see the sharp green of his eyes, so he focuses instead on the pale fingers holding his sleeve, stark against his darker skin. Slowly, he lets himself breathe again. When the sudden lightheadedness subsides, he puts a hand over Ash’s. Very, very subtly, Eiji leans closer.

 

“Do you really want me to kiss you?” His voice is hushed.

 

The answer doesn’t come immediately. Eiji doesn’t mind, though. He just waits, gently rubbing the back of Ash’s hand with his index finger. He knows the answer that he wants to hear but can’t help feeling guilty about it.

 

Time slows, and then speeds back up. Ash turns to look at Eiji directly. “Yes,” he says. For once, his gaze doesn’t feel like a lightning storm. Still, it’s magnetic and warm as the sun, leaves in summer.

 

Shifting on the bed to face Ash more fully, Eiji can finally lean in as close as he wants. In the back of his head, he vaguely registers the ache in his chest. _His whole body is on fire_.

 

Suddenly, he feels hands on either side of his face. _Feels_ , not _sees_ , and Eiji realizes his eyes were screwed shut. “Don’t close your eyes so tightly,” Ash says. There’s a ragged edge to his voice, a rawness that makes Eiji’s throat tight when he hears it.

 

“S-sorry,” Eiji replies, swallowing past his anxiety. He tries again, only letting his eyes fall half-shut. When their faces are only an inch apart, there’s a pause. They both look at each other, Eiji still scanning Ash for any sign of discomfort. Ash only lies there, his face more open than it’s been in a while. He exhales once through parted lips, and the other boy feels the warm shudder of air on his face. It’s mesmerizing.

 

As Ash’s eyelids slide closed, Eiji manages to make his do the same. He can’t imagine what this will mean for them later, but right now, it’s what he wants more than anything.

 

Ash’s lips are chapped like his, and they scrape together, chaste and clumsy. All other thoughts vanish from Eiji’s mind except those pertaining to the dry warmth of their mouths. Neither moves. They stay where they are, Eiji carefully hovering above Ash, although their hands end up folded together again.

 

The kiss is shorter than it feels. When they separate, Eiji expects to be floating; instead, he’s still on the ground, sitting on the lumpy mattress. He feels the heat from Ash’s hand. He can’t stop staring at Ash, right into his eyes where only a thin ring of green is visible due to his dilated pupils.

 

Eiji means to say something. _Was that okay_? _Are_ you _okay_? _Can I do that again_? It all comes to mind, but nothing is said. His face is far too warm, whether out of embarrassment or nervousness, he can’t tell. All he can do is look at his friend.

 

Then, Ash surprises him by letting go of his hand and sitting up. Eiji thinks at first that he wants to get off the bed, but he doesn’t. The surprise returns ten-fold when Ash reaches out to hold Eiji’s face in both of his hands. Eiji’s heart leaps into his throat.

 

When Ash leans toward him, Eiji doesn’t even have to think about meeting him halfway.

 

This kiss is more unfamiliar than the last, not nearly as simple. Ash presses harder and his hands move to the back of Eiji’s head, fingertips starting to stroke his hair. Ash’s mouth opens, and Eiji may know next to nothing about this sort of kiss, but he’s willing to learn.

 

It turns out he’s not that good at it (Like he suspected) but Ash doesn’t seem to mind. He pulls away briefly, with a wet sound from where their tongues were connected, and just laughs. The laugh is brief as well, and then his face is filled with quiet emotion. He won’t make eye contact.

 

Worry creeps up on Eiji. He begins tentatively, “Do you want to stop?”

 

Silence.

 

Eiji tries to ask once more, but instead Ash cuts him off by kissing him again. It’s intense and wet and they almost bang noses, but they make it work. Does it matter if it’s a “good kiss” or a “bad kiss?” Neither has any idea. But it works.

 

When Eiji suddenly finds himself on his back, that’s when he’s surprised. His eyes pop open and see Ash above him this time. “Shit,” he blurts, “I’m really, _really_ sorry. I-I…”

 

“This is fine,” Eiji tells him without hesitation. “It’s fine, Ash.” He grips Ash’s shoulder and waits for a reaction. Ash’s conflicted feelings are still visible, but he doesn’t pull away. Eiji stays still and relaxed so Ash knows that he has that choice. There have been so many stops and starts between them tonight, but it’s also the only speed that’s right for them, and for the pain that runs so deep.

 

Outside their room, they can hear quick muffled footsteps in the distance. They are all so close together in this place that there are obvious thoughts that maybe they shouldn’t be doing any of this. Eiji almost caves to that fear, but Ash moves faster. They stay on the bed and continue.

 

It doesn’t take long for lightheadedness to be Eiji’s primary sensation. Here he is with messy hair and another boy’s tongue in his mouth, but he’s not sure if he’s keeping track of it all anymore. He tries to ground himself by grabbing onto Ash’s arms, but it doesn’t do much good.

 

When they separate again, Ash sits on his knees and stares at his hands, fisted in his jeans. Eyes shining and face flushed, he’s breathing hard. It’s possible he’s working something out in his head. How to ask for what he wants, Eiji wonders.

 

For once, Ash can’t speak. He hesitates at first, but he manages to reach out and wrap his hand around Eiji’s wrist. When he guides Eiji’s own hand to his chest, his friend is just as lost for words, and when he lets go, Eiji keeps his hand over Ash’s heart.

 

More careful than he’s ever been, Eiji runs his hand down Ash’s chest to his stomach. Eiji understands that this is the most intimate way he’s ever touched Ash before, despite their full-blown makeout session a few minutes ago. Ash’s heart thunders, the vibrations pouring from his entire body. Under the thin cotton shirt, Eiji can feel his skin burning.

 

They can both tell they’ve made up their minds, although their hands shake when they pull their shirts off and throw them on the floor. The distance between them feels so vast at times, including now, but they’re still willing to leap across it to find each other.

 

Ash pulls him in and holds him close. On the ground, their shadows are melded together and form a single shape, slightly hard to see with only one light source.

 

When Ash pushes him onto his back, Eiji knows that they should be talking more. Checking in with each other, trading reassurance. They don’t; talking feels like so much of a struggle, and their gentler touches will have to do. At one point, Ash strokes the other boy’s cheek with his fingers, his eyes pleading with him to not pull away.

 

Eiji doesn’t understand how Ash could think he would.

 

None of their movements come easily. The hardest part is how desperately Ash tries to forget the trained hollowness that tries to take over while touching another person like this. When he feels his mind growing foggy, he grows frustrated and presses himself even more closely against Eiji.

 

It isn’t long before their pants join their shirts on the floor, but Eiji grips Ash’s hands when he tries to remove his underwear. I know you don’t want to do that, Eiji thinks. It’s just me, we don’t have to go so fast. Perhaps in gratitude, Ash kisses him again.

 

As they cling to each other, it’s clear that neither of them are completely ready for this. It’s more for temporary comfort than anything else, a too-brief respite that they’ve dredged up their courage for. Eiji is somewhat scared that Ash is hurting himself by doing this, but Ash doesn’t stop moving against him. Eiji relaxes his muscles and lets Ash take control.

 

It feels almost like a fever dream. Eiji’s gasps are quiet and strained as if he really can’t speak at all. His face burns hot, too hot, and Ash’s is soon splotched red as if sunburnt. It’s deeply strange to see him like this, Eiji thinks, but he doesn’t dislike it. Instead, he reaches up and, with the lightest touch he can manage, combs his fingers through strands of blond hair.

 

“Um…” The sound falls from Ash’s mouth, his gaze becoming softly self-conscious and dropping from Eiji’s face to his chest. Eiji just smiles and lets the hair fall through his fingers. Ash looks at him with a fuzzy expression for a few moments, then leans back down.

 

Eiji’s insides tangle with heat and embarrassment at his inexperience. He digs his nails into Ash’s shoulders and squirms as Ash runs his hands down his sides and licks the sweat from his clavicle. They’re too unsure to touch each other below the waist, but when Ash rubs against him, Eiji’s breath hitches. He holds Ash closer and meets the pressure.

 

When they end up finishing together, Eiji wonders if it’s possible for his skin to melt or his brain to boil. Ash collapses on top of him, their skin sticking together with perspiration. They lay there in silence until Eiji limply raises his arms to bring them around Ash. “Are… you okay?”

 

Once again, the response is slow, but Eiji feels him nod his head against his chest. “Sure.” His voice is sandpaper-rough, but his eyes stay dry and his limbs are relaxed.

 

 _You’re so beautiful,_ Eiji longs to tell him.

 

When their underwear finally feels too sticky and gross to ignore, they manage to get up and do their best to clean off with a roll of paper towels they already had on hand, knowing there’s no way they can leave the room right now.

 

After they’ve changed into clean boxers, they go quiet again, sitting on opposite sides of the bed. Now there’s no going back, they think. They’ve been washed ashore with the tide pulling further away every minute. They’re alone together, high and dry, and their bodies have the marks to show it.

 

Somehow, it’s Ash who breaks the tension. He moves closer and lies down, tugging at Eiji’s arm to make him do the same. Eiji finds himself being spooned from behind, Ash’s arm wrapped tightly around his middle. Ash’s forehead presses between his shoulder blades.

 

Eiji clutches the arm around him. He’d like for Ash’s touch to burn a brand onto his skin, more lasting than bite-marks or the indents of nails. After everything he’s already felt, the pain would be nothing.

 

“Don’t leave,” Ash whispers.

 

“I could never do that.”

 

It’s the most honest he’s ever been.

 


End file.
